Are You Communicating Like an Orca?

Did you know the month of June is recognized for “Effective Communication Month”?

Did you also know 90% of our conversations are “controlling”?

We "TELL YELL SELL" with each other.

Conversational Intelligence 2018

Wow – that is a bit hard to believe! Everyone possesses a deep desire to be loved, supported and respected. Our happiness depends on the quality of our relationships. And to quote Judith Glaser from her book, Conversational Intelligence, “To get to the next level of greatness, which depends on the quality of the culture, which depends on the quality of the relationships, which depends on the quality of the conversations. Everything happens through conversations!”

When we communicate with others we either feel good or bad. We feel good when we have a sense of fairness, ownership, reciprocity, cooperation, open expression and status. When we consistently feel good around certain people, that feeling typically leads to greater trust and when we feel trust, we form healthy relationships. Unhealthy conversation is the root of distrust, deceit, betrayal and avoidance … Bad conversations are unhealthy and non-productive.

It has been shown that if we become curious about others’ perspectives and ask questions of others, our heart connects to our brain which engages us to open up. By so doing, it sends a whole new path of neurotransmitters in our brain that enable connection with others, creating new bonds of friendship, understanding and trust. As equally important, we need to Listen – how many times have you caught yourself thinking about what you’re going to say next when the other person stops talking? Truly effective communication goes both ways. While it might be difficult, try really listening to what your friend, partner or colleague is saying. Don’t interrupt. Don’t get defensive. Just hear them and reflect back what they’re saying so they know you’ve heard them. In turn, you’ll understand them better and they’ll be more willing to listen to you.

People with the highest levels of success and satisfaction continually work on creating high quality connections with others. In spite of the usual ups and downs of relationships, it has also been shown that those who have the ability to have at least 3 positive interactions for every negative one experience the highest levels of success and happiness in their daily lives. Have you ever reflected on your level of positivity versus negativity when you engage in conversations with others? To improve your positivity in relationships, consider:

How do you react when you’re feeling negative? Who do you turn to for support?
Can you commit to generating more positive than negative interactions with family, friends and coworkers, regardless of how they treat you?
Make time to check in on people – especially those you want to have in your circle of friends and coworkers
Pay attention to others and how they are feeling – show compassion and listen if they are stressed or show your enthusiasm if they are sharing good news
Work to develop deep connections with those who share your dreams and visions
Provide a safe space and understanding for others who may have differing points of view
Express appreciation and gratitude for others who show kindness and positive collaboration

I was out walking my dog the other day and came across a poster that June is...

I got to thinking about how whales and dolphins communicate and how they signal each other about how to explore, navigate, and survive the environments in which they live. When resident orca pods re-join after a separation of a few days or a few months, they often engage in “greeting” behavior. Ritualized formations of each pod face one another for several minutes, then gradually merge into active groups, each existing of members of different pods, accompanied by intense underwater vocalizations and spectacular “play” behavior. Whale and dolphin communication skills are at the very heart of their cooperative lifestyles and social interactions. Scientists have classified three types of sound communication: whistles, discrete calls and clicks. Whistles and discrete calls are usually employed in the pod communication and clicks when performing echolocation, a technique used to detect elements of their environment. If you have ever heard whales or dolphins chatting or whistling, you can feel a sense of harmony between their music and their words!

The next time you are conversing with another, take pause and notice if your words are in harmony with your music! The words are what you are saying, and the music is the feeling you are giving to others!

Other tips for forming healthy conversations:

Stay Focused: Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past related conflicts when dealing with current ones. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. Stay focused on the present, your feelings, understanding one another and finding a solution.

Try to See Their Point of View: In a conflict, most of us primarily want to feel heard and understood. We talk a lot about our point of view to get the other person to see things our way. Ironically, if we all do this all the time, there’s little focus on the other person’s point of view, and nobody feels understood. Try to really see the other side, and then you can better explain yours.

Respond to Criticism with Empathy: When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to feel that they’re wrong, and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear, and often exaggerated by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen for the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that can be valuable information for you.

Own What’s Yours: Realize that personal responsibility is a strength, not a weakness. Effective communication involves admitting when you’re wrong. If you both share some responsibility in a conflict (which is usually the case), look for and admit to what’s yours. It diffuses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity. It also often inspires the other person to respond in kind, leading you both closer to mutual understanding and a solution.

Use “I” Messages: Rather than saying things like, “You really messed up here,” begin statements with “I”, and make them about yourself and your feelings, like, “I feel frustrated when this happens.” It’s less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.

Look for Compromise Instead of Trying to ‘Win’ the Argument, Look for Solutions that Meet Everybody’s Needs. Either through compromise, or a new solution that gives you both what you want most, this focus is much more effective than one person getting what they want at the other’s expense. Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both sides can be happy with.

Take a Time-Out: Sometimes tempers get heated and it’s just too difficult to continue a discussion without it becoming an argument or a fight. If you feel yourself or your partner starting to get too angry to be constructive, or showing some destructive communication patterns, it’s okay to take a break from the discussion until you both cool off. Sometimes good communication means knowing when to take a break.

Don’t Give Up: While taking a break from the discussion is sometimes a good idea, always come back to it. If you both approach the situation with a constructive attitude, mutual respect, and a willingness to see the other’s point of view or at least find a solution, you can make progress toward the goal of a resolution to the conflict.

If you would like to learn strategies to shift your mindset and bring more positivity into your conversations and relationships, I’d welcome the opportunity to work with you! Access my calendar HERE and book a complimentary 30-minute conversation!